Seriousness

via Daily Prompt: Seriousness

In all seriousness, stop with the masks. Tell me how you feel, how you really do. Don’t text me every day then stop for two weeks and leave me wondering why. It really hurts. You may not mean to, but you meant a lot to me and now you’re just not there. There’s not even enough momentum behind it to cry, and it makes me finally understand Brendon Urie’s words:

Image result for being blue is better than being over it lyrics

I don’t want to be over you. I want to hang on to that fantasy that we could be something. I met you at summer camp and felt a connection then. Those nights on floor four hanging out with you and the rest of the squad while blasting the entire Death of a Bachelor album were amazing. I still remember what you said to me after the extemporaneous speech competition; “Your public speaking skills are just as beautiful as you are.”

We lost track of time that last night of camp. We were all having so much fun. I didn’t go to sleep until 3:30 am. The next day, our teams competed against each other, and the last time I saw you was when you received your second place medal. We never got a chance to say goodbye.

We texted more and more after that. I realized we were associated with some of the same homeschool groups, and I asked you if by any chance you were going to homecoming. You said yes.

I walked into that room that November night and you were the first person I looked for. There was a part of me that wondered if I would remember what you looked like. It had been four months since I had last seen you. There was also a part of me that knew I could never forget you. You were late. I made small talk with some of my other friends from camp, but you were the only one I really wanted to see. Some of my friends from my county arrived, and we went to the dance floor. 30 minutes later, I saw you and my heart stopped.

We were wearing the same color red. I went over to say hi, and my head went silent. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I’m a prospective communications major, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I faded away and rejoined my county friend group. Later, I went back with one of my friends, and she helped me remember how to speak again. You said that your friends were geeky, and I said mine were just as bad and suggested that we all be geeks together. You laughed and walked to the middle of the dance floor with us.

Soon I remembered how to talk again. All was going well. I didn’t say anything stupid. Time flew past, and soon it was the last song of the evening. The DJ gave a speech about asking that special someone so you’d have no regrets, and when I turned around, your hand was outstretched as you said “May I have this dance?” Once again, my heart stopped. I felt the biggest smile on my face as I said yes and we started dancing.

“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey was playing. You started awkwardly trying to make conversation and asked me what I had been doing that day. I said “Not much, I’ve just been here for the last few hours.” You awkwardly laughed. A moment of silence went by. You said “Sorry I’m such a geek with my robotics friends and all the talk about robots.” I laughed and said “It’s fine, I am too.” You laughed too, and then said “Seriously though, I get it if I’m too geeky.” I introduced myself and said “My hobbies are science competitions and aerospace and I dedicate all my free time to them. Trust me, you’ll never be too geeky for me.” You smiled, and at that point we were actually talking. After a minute or two, you said “Are you coming to prom?” I asked if you would be there. You said yes, and I said “Then I’ll definitely be there.” You smiled again, and we went back to talking. I don’t remember what we were talking about, I just remember being really sad when the song ended.

We talked for a little bit afterwards in our whole friend group, and one of your friends told me about various robotics mishaps. My mom arrived and I had to leave. You hugged me goodbye. I smiled the whole way home and until I fell asleep.

We texted a lot after that, almost every day. Then, after Christmas, it stopped. Suddenly you only texted once every two days. Then, it was January, and you texted even less frequently. Now, the last time you texted was over two weeks ago. I wish I knew why. I hope you’re just busy, but I am too, and I still make time to talk to people. It hurts, but the pain is numbing, and knowing that is even worse than the pain itself. I miss you. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which is already my least favorite holiday, but now it’s even worse because it means I won’t be able to escape the thought of you.

A part of me hopes you’ll do something romantic and all will work out, but the rest of me remembers that I hate Valentine’s Day and would probably detest you just a little bit for being a cookie cutter person. I think I just thought we’d be together by this point and it hurts that we’re not.

If you are reading this, tell the person you like that you like xem¹. You’ll never have to wonder the what-ifs, and you’ll never unintentionally hurt xem if xe feels the same way. Plus, if you’re the person I wrote this to, I’ll get to know for sure. If the person you like is like me though, you might want to wait until after Valentine’s Day or make it very clear you’re not trying to be a sappy, cookie cutter romantic because otherwise you may leave the person you like very conflicted on what to do.

¹Xem- Gender neutral pronoun. I have decided to switch to using the gender neutral pronouns xe, xem, xyr, and xyrs whenever applicable to include more people and make writing less awkward since “they” and “them” are inappropriate when referring to a single person and s/he can be awkward

Successful

via Daily Prompt: Successful

Take a wild guess to figure out what this one will be about. I’m still doing great, I’m incredibly successful, and if I want things to stay that way I need to keep studying. You may wonder why I even bother with posting everyday if I’m doing so great. It’s because my therapist told me that writing stream of consciousness or other things just to reflect on the day can help ease your mind before going to bed. This method has also been proven to help make writing easier in general and prevent writer’s block, so I do it every day to ensure that I’m on the right track to being successful in my long term goals.

 

Privacy

via Daily Prompt: Privacy

On here, my life is private, hidden behind a screen. If you knew me, you’d know that I had a ton of fun this morning because I was at a public speaking workshop meeting new people and coming up with the weirdest things for two truths and a lie. I’m an extrovert, through and through. My mind is in a strange state at the moment. I’m in study mode, so it’s hard for the words to come, but on the same note, once they come they don’t want to stop. I’m currently studying breeds of sheep, swine, goats, and cows because I felt humiliated at the last practice when I didn’t know any of them and I won’t let that happen again so I will study for hours a day. I will drive myself mad if I have to, but I will win.

It’s a weird situation. I have a slight crush on this guy from another county, and normal girls would try to talk to them, join the person’s friend group, etc. In this friend group at practice, I’m already friends with all of his friends, and yet I sit alone because I want to win. This doesn’t help at all though because I usually do better when I can be directly competitive and I think he’ll think I’m a nerd if I’m taking non-stop notes. I am a nerd though, and he’ll figure that out sooner or later, but I’m so much more than that. For starters, I’m also a basket case. I promised myself I would check my phone after studying swine breeds. I’ll be back in a minute.

When I said my life was private, I obviously didn’t mean private private. You know all of my inner thoughts and emotions, yet don’t know the exact event I was at, at that makes it anonymous, but really it’s more intimate than when you ask your best friend how their day was. It’s tricky to explain. I really just want to be studying right now. I have to beat my friends and prove that our county leader wasn’t wrong about me. I can’t let him down. He’s believed in me for the last decade and I don’t want him to stop now.

Exposure

via Daily Prompt: Exposure

Leave me in the light just a little bit longer. Let me soak up some more of these rays of light so I at least have a tan to prove that I’ve been through good times when I find myself back in the dark, bitter cold. A nice tan may last only a few days, if that, before fading back to its usual paleness, but it will still show in the pictures. I know the clouds will return any day now, or I’ll simply lose the energy to keep going outside, but I don’t want it to. I want it to stay forever.

Sometimes, when it’s cold, it snows, and it brings about new possibilities and beauty within the bitter cold, but that hasn’t happened in a long time. Instead, it just rains, and not the good kind of warm rain that makes you feel like you’re in a movie. This is the freezing cold rain that shoves you inside all day and gives you headaches from the air pressure.

Leave me outside just a little bit longer. I can’t hide from the weather any more. Even if it is cold, I’ve been through colder. If it’s sweltering, then we’ll go to the pool, the harbor, or the beach, and life will be even better. We’ll go on hikes in the freezing rain and we’ll fly kites when it’s windy, but I’ll still run back inside as fast as I can the second I hear a rumble of thunder.

Overworked

via Daily Prompt: Overworked

The people who have helped to get me to this point in my life are overworked and underappreciated, but today I’m going to try to put into words all that they’ve done for me. Before I continue, I know my posts have been a bit all over the place; from anxious to optimistic, and from power hungry to inspirational, but that’s just how life is. At the end of the day (metaphorically of course since all of these posts are typed at the end of the day), I’m in a pretty good place, but I still post every day with the negative and the positive to show that nothing is ever perfect. I will never be that person on the internet who pretends like everything is great, but I will never act like I’m a solid mess either. Anyways, back to my actual post.

To my mom:

You can be a real pain, but I love you anyways. You work hard every day to get my brother and I to everywhere we want and need to be, and even when you’re pissed because you’ve been telling us to do our schoolwork all day and nothing’s happened yet, you’ll still come back to give us each a hug and let us know that you still love us. I’ll never admit it to you, but I don’t know where I’d be without you.

To the most amazing volunteer and project group leader I know who got me my first job:

Thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you for always being optimistic and never judgmental. Thank you for always being there to support me in whatever way you can and for encouraging me to do what I love. People like you are why I didn’t quit and why I’m still moving forward. You do all of this out of the kindness of your heart and you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for being one of the best people I know. I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me, my club, and our community.

To my coaches and club leaders who supported me with their somewhat rough demeanor:

You said I could do anything if I put my mind to it and worked hard enough, and that you were pretty sure I just wouldn’t. When I said “Can to,” as a six year old, you gave me my first chance at public speaking in front of over a hundred people. You convinced me that I was proving you wrong, and that’s what pushed me to do my best and what still does, but as I found out over the summer, you believed in me all along. When I trained for competitions, you told me “Don’t get discouraged when you don’t make top 10, it’s really tough competition and this is your first year.” At the awards ceremonies, you cheered the loudest when I got two ninths, an eighth, a sixth, a fifth, two fourths, four thirds, a second, and a first. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I hope I can continue to make you proud, and though I know it’s a lot of work, I hope you’ll continue to be the outstanding coaches and leaders that I’ve had the privilege of knowing for the last ten years.

 

 

Invitation

via Daily Prompt: Invitation

I don’t get normal invitations to birthday parties, weddings, baptisms, etc. I get invitations to fancy dinners to meet with the governor and other state officials. I might not have the largest friend circle at the moment, but I’m successful and I’m doing what I love. Would it be nice to be invited to normal social things more often? Sure it would, but I don’t need that. I have competitions, meetings, fancy dinners, and national trips. Would it be nice to have more friends or maybe even a significant other? Yep, but why bother? Just when you think someone’s chill she does something stupid.

There’s a girl in one of my clubs who is now on state council with me and invited me to her birthday party, which I couldn’t go to. I had a sleepover with her the other night…and found out she’s transphobic. My best friend is trans. I haven’t seen him since he moved 2000 miles away, but he’s still my best friend. I think my mom worries because I don’t have a best friend that I see very often or a best friend that is the same gender as I am (because conservative parental views that no guy can be your best friend unless he wants to sleep with you).

Sometimes it sucks to be alone at the top. It’s what works for me though, so while th-

A ladybug just fell from the sky and landed on my breast and it scared me. Now it’s trying to take a nap on the f10 key. And the ladybug is on the move. Esc, power button, back of the screen and out of sight so that it can scare me in another few minutes. Now at the top of the screen, cleaning its face. Apparently ladybugs do that with their front feet. Thud. Now the ladybug is on my floor and with a flap of its wings it’s gone again.

Anyways, sometimes it sucks to be alone at the top, but it’s what works for me. Everywhere else I’m dependent on someone else, and I hate that. Even at this point I am, but it’s a whole lot less. There’s a lot more resting specifically on my shoulders and not 10 feet above me, which is the way I like it. The other way. there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s so far up, yet the people who are actually responsible for it see it as being above me and therefore my responsibility, so when the rope breaks and it falls, I’m the one who gets hurt.

My brother has to take over a meeting as president when I’m at the dinner with the governor. They’re going to eat him alive. Other members won’t be there because they think basketball is more important. They’re going to see that they have to be more responsible and actually do what they signed up for. In some twisted ways I wish I could watch them suffer, but I’ll be too busy enjoying dinner with the governor and my other state council exec board members.

I hope they enjoy their happy little social lives while they can; all of the invitations, basketball practices, and parties they think are so much more important than actual responsibilities. There’s only so much longer their parents can pull the strings for them. One day those strings will snap and their corpses will be found at rock bottom.

Marathon

via Daily Prompt: Marathon

I used to do schoolwork marathons just about every day. I found comfort in numbers and cold calculations. Now I have nothing. Every day is a struggle. I just want to hide in my room. Meetings are my breaks, but last night was no break. My mom stayed, and she turned an event that I enjoyed into hell because she hated it. I won an award. It was left behind.

Even when I get a new one issued, it won’t be the same. The moment is gone, and so is my pride. I’m tired and I’m done. I’m scared of this Friday. I don’t think the inauguration will be safe, and my closest friends are going. Saturday morning they may all be dead.

My mom instilled that fear in me. She has seen what it’s done to me, but unlike everything else, she refuses to tell me I’m being irrational because she thinks I’m being perfectly rational. She won’t let me play piano any more. I played one song too frequently because I wanted it practiced for the talent show in a few months and now she hates it.

She hates everything I love. She just really doesn’t like me, but she’ll never say it because she knows I’m unstable and doesn’t want to be the thing that pushes me over the edge. It’s not worth it though. My family needs to let me go. We’re not healthy for each other. I bully myself, and they take it as a personal offense. I can write with my eyes closed. I just did.

I’m alone. I’m still as exhausted as if I was doing marathons every day, but I don’t do anything. I’m useless.