The list of all the things I have to get done is massive. The amount of trouble I’ll be in if my mom finds out I’m blogging right now instead of getting schoolwork done is massive. The amount of pressure to get things done is fading away, even though it should be pressing harder. Exams are less than two months away. I just started studying for one a week ago. I stopped studying another one because I’m too busy, even though I need to. I got a C on my last test. I haven’t studied for literature at all. My mom doesn’t think I need to, and I care about my ego too much to correct her. I’m probably going to fail everything, but I can barely even think about it.
My committee feels real. We’re going to make real change. I got to write a letter to a massive corporation today asking for donations to help our cause. They’re supporting the same cause, and I want us to work together. There are so many possibilities, and it really feels good to be a part of something larger than yourself; in fact as large as an entire state and in some ways an entire country. I’m making change happen, and people are reporting to me with how their work in my project is going. That feels amazing.
When I’m stressed, my mom reminds me of the future, as if that will make things any better. She reminds me that without four years of successful high school math, all of my work in my committees won’t mean anything because I’ll never get in to the land grant college, or any other college for that matter. I want to go into the communications field. What on earth do I care about algebra II? The math required for economic calculations makes sense to have to know, but anything further is pointless. I’ll have to keep moving forward every year, and it feels like death. When I complain about it, she suggests taking college math courses instead of high school. Let me get this straight. My issue is that high school math is unnecessarily complex for what I want to do in life and it’s going to screw up my GPA because I’m drowning, and she thinks the solution is ruining my freshmen status in college by taking college classes that will be even harder?!
I think that life is finally working out, and then math comes into the picture and she starts yelling at me, and suddenly I’m back to debating suicide, all over what? Some numbers on paper so that numbers and letters can go on another piece of paper that determines my entire future. It disgusts me, and yet there’s nothing I can do about it but hold on and pray for the best. I never even officially finished geometry because I got so overwhelmed; I just moved right on to algebra II and decided I would go back to re-learn it if necessary on anything. So far, I haven’t looked back once.
I feel so overwhelmed I’m subconsciously choosing to ignore it to lull me into a false sense of security and it’s working so well that the monster of stuff is a teddy bear that I wave hi to as I go somewhere to sign up for something else, while everyone screams to turn around because a massive bear with claws and fangs dripping with blood is about to eat me alive. I know he’s there, and I know I’ll be dead in just a few minutes if I can’t think of something quick, but my senses still deceive me and all I can see is the teddy bear, now moving closer with its arms held up for a hug.