In all seriousness, stop with the masks. Tell me how you feel, how you really do. Don’t text me every day then stop for two weeks and leave me wondering why. It really hurts. You may not mean to, but you meant a lot to me and now you’re just not there. There’s not even enough momentum behind it to cry, and it makes me finally understand Brendon Urie’s words:
I don’t want to be over you. I want to hang on to that fantasy that we could be something. I met you at summer camp and felt a connection then. Those nights on floor four hanging out with you and the rest of the squad while blasting the entire Death of a Bachelor album were amazing. I still remember what you said to me after the extemporaneous speech competition; “Your public speaking skills are just as beautiful as you are.”
We lost track of time that last night of camp. We were all having so much fun. I didn’t go to sleep until 3:30 am. The next day, our teams competed against each other, and the last time I saw you was when you received your second place medal. We never got a chance to say goodbye.
We texted more and more after that. I realized we were associated with some of the same homeschool groups, and I asked you if by any chance you were going to homecoming. You said yes.
I walked into that room that November night and you were the first person I looked for. There was a part of me that wondered if I would remember what you looked like. It had been four months since I had last seen you. There was also a part of me that knew I could never forget you. You were late. I made small talk with some of my other friends from camp, but you were the only one I really wanted to see. Some of my friends from my county arrived, and we went to the dance floor. 30 minutes later, I saw you and my heart stopped.
We were wearing the same color red. I went over to say hi, and my head went silent. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I’m a prospective communications major, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I faded away and rejoined my county friend group. Later, I went back with one of my friends, and she helped me remember how to speak again. You said that your friends were geeky, and I said mine were just as bad and suggested that we all be geeks together. You laughed and walked to the middle of the dance floor with us.
Soon I remembered how to talk again. All was going well. I didn’t say anything stupid. Time flew past, and soon it was the last song of the evening. The DJ gave a speech about asking that special someone so you’d have no regrets, and when I turned around, your hand was outstretched as you said “May I have this dance?” Once again, my heart stopped. I felt the biggest smile on my face as I said yes and we started dancing.
“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey was playing. You started awkwardly trying to make conversation and asked me what I had been doing that day. I said “Not much, I’ve just been here for the last few hours.” You awkwardly laughed. A moment of silence went by. You said “Sorry I’m such a geek with my robotics friends and all the talk about robots.” I laughed and said “It’s fine, I am too.” You laughed too, and then said “Seriously though, I get it if I’m too geeky.” I introduced myself and said “My hobbies are science competitions and aerospace and I dedicate all my free time to them. Trust me, you’ll never be too geeky for me.” You smiled, and at that point we were actually talking. After a minute or two, you said “Are you coming to prom?” I asked if you would be there. You said yes, and I said “Then I’ll definitely be there.” You smiled again, and we went back to talking. I don’t remember what we were talking about, I just remember being really sad when the song ended.
We talked for a little bit afterwards in our whole friend group, and one of your friends told me about various robotics mishaps. My mom arrived and I had to leave. You hugged me goodbye. I smiled the whole way home and until I fell asleep.
We texted a lot after that, almost every day. Then, after Christmas, it stopped. Suddenly you only texted once every two days. Then, it was January, and you texted even less frequently. Now, the last time you texted was over two weeks ago. I wish I knew why. I hope you’re just busy, but I am too, and I still make time to talk to people. It hurts, but the pain is numbing, and knowing that is even worse than the pain itself. I miss you. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which is already my least favorite holiday, but now it’s even worse because it means I won’t be able to escape the thought of you.
A part of me hopes you’ll do something romantic and all will work out, but the rest of me remembers that I hate Valentine’s Day and would probably detest you just a little bit for being a cookie cutter person. I think I just thought we’d be together by this point and it hurts that we’re not.
If you are reading this, tell the person you like that you like xem¹. You’ll never have to wonder the what-ifs, and you’ll never unintentionally hurt xem if xe feels the same way. Plus, if you’re the person I wrote this to, I’ll get to know for sure. If the person you like is like me though, you might want to wait until after Valentine’s Day or make it very clear you’re not trying to be a sappy, cookie cutter romantic because otherwise you may leave the person you like very conflicted on what to do.
¹Xem- Gender neutral pronoun. I have decided to switch to using the gender neutral pronouns xe, xem, xyr, and xyrs whenever applicable to include more people and make writing less awkward since “they” and “them” are inappropriate when referring to a single person and s/he can be awkward