Someday I’ll be okay, someday I’ll be alright.
Someday I’ll stop questioning why
and just try.
Someday there will be a panic free night,
instead of one where I just lie
staring at the sky
for hours at a time
without any reason or rhyme.
I will wait patiently for that day to come. It’s a pretty common theme in a lot of my posts; I’ll be okay, just maybe not today. Things are getting better, and I know it. There was actually a moment today where I was inexplicably happy over the simplest thing. I was in the food court with my brother eating pizza, and a man walked past and a wad of neatly folded cash fell out of his pocket. Without thinking, I stood up, loped over, picked it up, and caught up to the man. I said “You dropped this,” and handed it to him like any decent person would, and he had the biggest smile on his face as he said “Oh, thank you so much! You are so kind.”
I sat back down with my little brother, and he had an equally as large smile on his face as he said “I’m so proud of you.” I don’t think he’s ever said that to me before. The man walked past our table a few minutes later and thanked me again as he left, and I just said “No problem.” After all, it was just my gut instinct. As I’m typing this now, hours later, I still feel really happy when I think about it.
This is where it gets really hard for me. I start to wonder “Is this just my anxiety doing that annoying thing where it hangs on to a tiny event for hours until I can psychoanalyze it and hate my life choices or is this what normal people feel like when they’re happy?” I’m at a point now where happiness is an alien emotion and so even when I am happy it’s stressful because it’s new and different and new and different is stressful.
I felt almost the exact same glow of lingering happiness after homecoming when my crush asked me to slow dance during the last song of the evening. Before that, I don’t think I had ever felt this way before. Those sorts of little moments are why I truly believe that I’m getting better though. It’s why I keep saying someday, because someday I’m going to be feeling on top of the world every day.