I’m clinging on to an old lifestyle. I want other people to make decisions for me, but that can’t happen anymore. People are relying on me to lead them and make decisions for the group, and that’s difficult. I’m supposed to work with my committee to choose a public issue to be our focus for 2017, and that decision will then allow the other committees to determine what they are doing. My mind is blank.
In the past, I would just wait for someone else to come up with an ingenious idea. I trusted and respected the previous leader of my committee, and I want people to feel the same way about me. She could make decisions for the group without giving it a second thought, and even if I wasn’t on board with her idea at the beginning, I was quickly persuaded by her confidence in herself. I don’t know if I’ll be able to master that enough to convince an entire committee that I know what I’m doing.
I don’t think my adviser has any faith in me. At the exec board meeting, she gave us all a lecture about how younger members of the group often can’t think realistically and how it’s our job to bring them back down because while they’re members of the group, they should sit back for the first few years to get the hang of things. One of my other friends and I are only in our second year and only second year of being eligible to be in the group, so we really took those words to heart. We had been fighting the stigma that people our age were irresponsible and should just be seen and not heard our whole lives, and yet we had overcome it and won our titles. Apparently, nothing has changed. Newcomers still see us as little kids.
One guy on another committee sexually harassed me and another member of the group last summer. Do you think he’ll have any respect for me in my position of authority or that he’ll just work to undermine what little respect I get? Perhaps he’s turned over a new leaf, but more likely he’s still clinging on to his old habits and will only let go when that branch breaks.
I’m not going to let my branch of unconfidence break, letting me fall with no plan in place. I’m going to let go, and be ready for impact.I believe that there are people right now who will catch me, and so even though it’s dark and I can’t see them, I will let go. I might not survive the fall, but if I don’t, so be it. It’s not living if you’re just staying safe, it’s merely surviving. I’m going to take this risk because I know it’s the only way I can improve. People will support me and I will lead my committee to be the best it can be as I promised in my campaign video. Together we will come up with a public issue, we will plan activities to raise awareness, and as we promote that issue at different state and national events, we will make the world a better place.