Successful

via Daily Prompt: Successful

Take a wild guess to figure out what this one will be about. I’m still doing great, I’m incredibly successful, and if I want things to stay that way I need to keep studying. You may wonder why I even bother with posting everyday if I’m doing so great. It’s because my therapist told me that writing stream of consciousness or other things just to reflect on the day can help ease your mind before going to bed. This method has also been proven to help make writing easier in general and prevent writer’s block, so I do it every day to ensure that I’m on the right track to being successful in my long term goals.

 

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Privacy

via Daily Prompt: Privacy

On here, my life is private, hidden behind a screen. If you knew me, you’d know that I had a ton of fun this morning because I was at a public speaking workshop meeting new people and coming up with the weirdest things for two truths and a lie. I’m an extrovert, through and through. My mind is in a strange state at the moment. I’m in study mode, so it’s hard for the words to come, but on the same note, once they come they don’t want to stop. I’m currently studying breeds of sheep, swine, goats, and cows because I felt humiliated at the last practice when I didn’t know any of them and I won’t let that happen again so I will study for hours a day. I will drive myself mad if I have to, but I will win.

It’s a weird situation. I have a slight crush on this guy from another county, and normal girls would try to talk to them, join the person’s friend group, etc. In this friend group at practice, I’m already friends with all of his friends, and yet I sit alone because I want to win. This doesn’t help at all though because I usually do better when I can be directly competitive and I think he’ll think I’m a nerd if I’m taking non-stop notes. I am a nerd though, and he’ll figure that out sooner or later, but I’m so much more than that. For starters, I’m also a basket case. I promised myself I would check my phone after studying swine breeds. I’ll be back in a minute.

When I said my life was private, I obviously didn’t mean private private. You know all of my inner thoughts and emotions, yet don’t know the exact event I was at, at that makes it anonymous, but really it’s more intimate than when you ask your best friend how their day was. It’s tricky to explain. I really just want to be studying right now. I have to beat my friends and prove that our county leader wasn’t wrong about me. I can’t let him down. He’s believed in me for the last decade and I don’t want him to stop now.

Exposure

via Daily Prompt: Exposure

Leave me in the light just a little bit longer. Let me soak up some more of these rays of light so I at least have a tan to prove that I’ve been through good times when I find myself back in the dark, bitter cold. A nice tan may last only a few days, if that, before fading back to its usual paleness, but it will still show in the pictures. I know the clouds will return any day now, or I’ll simply lose the energy to keep going outside, but I don’t want it to. I want it to stay forever.

Sometimes, when it’s cold, it snows, and it brings about new possibilities and beauty within the bitter cold, but that hasn’t happened in a long time. Instead, it just rains, and not the good kind of warm rain that makes you feel like you’re in a movie. This is the freezing cold rain that shoves you inside all day and gives you headaches from the air pressure.

Leave me outside just a little bit longer. I can’t hide from the weather any more. Even if it is cold, I’ve been through colder. If it’s sweltering, then we’ll go to the pool, the harbor, or the beach, and life will be even better. We’ll go on hikes in the freezing rain and we’ll fly kites when it’s windy, but I’ll still run back inside as fast as I can the second I hear a rumble of thunder.

Overworked

via Daily Prompt: Overworked

The people who have helped to get me to this point in my life are overworked and underappreciated, but today I’m going to try to put into words all that they’ve done for me. Before I continue, I know my posts have been a bit all over the place; from anxious to optimistic, and from power hungry to inspirational, but that’s just how life is. At the end of the day (metaphorically of course since all of these posts are typed at the end of the day), I’m in a pretty good place, but I still post every day with the negative and the positive to show that nothing is ever perfect. I will never be that person on the internet who pretends like everything is great, but I will never act like I’m a solid mess either. Anyways, back to my actual post.

To my mom:

You can be a real pain, but I love you anyways. You work hard every day to get my brother and I to everywhere we want and need to be, and even when you’re pissed because you’ve been telling us to do our schoolwork all day and nothing’s happened yet, you’ll still come back to give us each a hug and let us know that you still love us. I’ll never admit it to you, but I don’t know where I’d be without you.

To the most amazing volunteer and project group leader I know who got me my first job:

Thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you for always being optimistic and never judgmental. Thank you for always being there to support me in whatever way you can and for encouraging me to do what I love. People like you are why I didn’t quit and why I’m still moving forward. You do all of this out of the kindness of your heart and you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for being one of the best people I know. I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me, my club, and our community.

To my coaches and club leaders who supported me with their somewhat rough demeanor:

You said I could do anything if I put my mind to it and worked hard enough, and that you were pretty sure I just wouldn’t. When I said “Can to,” as a six year old, you gave me my first chance at public speaking in front of over a hundred people. You convinced me that I was proving you wrong, and that’s what pushed me to do my best and what still does, but as I found out over the summer, you believed in me all along. When I trained for competitions, you told me “Don’t get discouraged when you don’t make top 10, it’s really tough competition and this is your first year.” At the awards ceremonies, you cheered the loudest when I got two ninths, an eighth, a sixth, a fifth, two fourths, four thirds, a second, and a first. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I hope I can continue to make you proud, and though I know it’s a lot of work, I hope you’ll continue to be the outstanding coaches and leaders that I’ve had the privilege of knowing for the last ten years.

 

 

Invitation

via Daily Prompt: Invitation

I don’t get normal invitations to birthday parties, weddings, baptisms, etc. I get invitations to fancy dinners to meet with the governor and other state officials. I might not have the largest friend circle at the moment, but I’m successful and I’m doing what I love. Would it be nice to be invited to normal social things more often? Sure it would, but I don’t need that. I have competitions, meetings, fancy dinners, and national trips. Would it be nice to have more friends or maybe even a significant other? Yep, but why bother? Just when you think someone’s chill she does something stupid.

There’s a girl in one of my clubs who is now on state council with me and invited me to her birthday party, which I couldn’t go to. I had a sleepover with her the other night…and found out she’s transphobic. My best friend is trans. I haven’t seen him since he moved 2000 miles away, but he’s still my best friend. I think my mom worries because I don’t have a best friend that I see very often or a best friend that is the same gender as I am (because conservative parental views that no guy can be your best friend unless he wants to sleep with you).

Sometimes it sucks to be alone at the top. It’s what works for me though, so while th-

A ladybug just fell from the sky and landed on my breast and it scared me. Now it’s trying to take a nap on the f10 key. And the ladybug is on the move. Esc, power button, back of the screen and out of sight so that it can scare me in another few minutes. Now at the top of the screen, cleaning its face. Apparently ladybugs do that with their front feet. Thud. Now the ladybug is on my floor and with a flap of its wings it’s gone again.

Anyways, sometimes it sucks to be alone at the top, but it’s what works for me. Everywhere else I’m dependent on someone else, and I hate that. Even at this point I am, but it’s a whole lot less. There’s a lot more resting specifically on my shoulders and not 10 feet above me, which is the way I like it. The other way. there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s so far up, yet the people who are actually responsible for it see it as being above me and therefore my responsibility, so when the rope breaks and it falls, I’m the one who gets hurt.

My brother has to take over a meeting as president when I’m at the dinner with the governor. They’re going to eat him alive. Other members won’t be there because they think basketball is more important. They’re going to see that they have to be more responsible and actually do what they signed up for. In some twisted ways I wish I could watch them suffer, but I’ll be too busy enjoying dinner with the governor and my other state council exec board members.

I hope they enjoy their happy little social lives while they can; all of the invitations, basketball practices, and parties they think are so much more important than actual responsibilities. There’s only so much longer their parents can pull the strings for them. One day those strings will snap and their corpses will be found at rock bottom.

Marathon

via Daily Prompt: Marathon

I used to do schoolwork marathons just about every day. I found comfort in numbers and cold calculations. Now I have nothing. Every day is a struggle. I just want to hide in my room. Meetings are my breaks, but last night was no break. My mom stayed, and she turned an event that I enjoyed into hell because she hated it. I won an award. It was left behind.

Even when I get a new one issued, it won’t be the same. The moment is gone, and so is my pride. I’m tired and I’m done. I’m scared of this Friday. I don’t think the inauguration will be safe, and my closest friends are going. Saturday morning they may all be dead.

My mom instilled that fear in me. She has seen what it’s done to me, but unlike everything else, she refuses to tell me I’m being irrational because she thinks I’m being perfectly rational. She won’t let me play piano any more. I played one song too frequently because I wanted it practiced for the talent show in a few months and now she hates it.

She hates everything I love. She just really doesn’t like me, but she’ll never say it because she knows I’m unstable and doesn’t want to be the thing that pushes me over the edge. It’s not worth it though. My family needs to let me go. We’re not healthy for each other. I bully myself, and they take it as a personal offense. I can write with my eyes closed. I just did.

I’m alone. I’m still as exhausted as if I was doing marathons every day, but I don’t do anything. I’m useless.

Capable

via Daily Prompt: Capable

We’re all capable of everything. Despite this, we choose to place ourselves in limiting boxes because the truth is we don’t know what to do with infinity. It’s why death is so terrifying; it’s infinite. We’ll be dead for infinity and when it comes to the afterlife, or even lack thereof, there’s an infinite list of possibilities. If one person can do something, you can too. The question is will you?

This was the sort of lecture I’ve been giving myself all afternoon. I had to write an essay to apply for a trip, and it started out with me telling myself I can’t. Then I started telling myself that I could, and reminded myself of all my friends who had turned one in, and soon I had begun. Five hours later, the two page, double spaced essay was complete.

The first two paragraphs were probably the hardest. I was talking about one of my best memories, the first time I ever gave a speech in front of an audience when I was six years old, and it made me so happy I was crying. That club leader back then believed in me enough to let me speak on behalf of the whole club of kids who were years older than me, and that moment was the base that every good moment of my life needed to build off of. All because she knew I was capable and trusted me to reach far enough to succeed.

Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. You got me to this point. Anyone out there who had even a drop of faith in me. You’re why I’m here. This has been 24 hours of pure happiness and I just wanted to say thank you. It probably won’t last, but it’s here now, and that’s enough. My therapist told me that the first step to getting better is changing your thoughts and reminding yourself that you are capable, and it’s true. I can do this. The world is mostly mental, and now that that’s looking up, I can get through this.

This optimism feels strange coming from me, but I believe it. The more I type, the more I believe it. I can do this. I am doing it. I am living and it’s only getting better. It doesn’t have to get worse. Infinity exists. It could get better forever. A tiny voice is scratching at the door telling me to stop lying to myself, but that’s all it is right now. A voice behind a locked door. That door isn’t going to become unlocked anytime soon, because I make the decisions here now. Not a committee of past experiences all haunting me until I’m in a panic attack. They weren’t capable, so they’re gone. I’m living a life of no regrets and it’s going great. I’m capable of getting selected for the trip, now all that’s left is luck and prayer.