Everyday, I wake up, and the first thing I do is meticulously primp myself to walk out of the door. I have about five dresses, five shorts outfits, and five outfits with a pair of long pants. For each of these outfits, all of the accessories have to be absolutely perfect, or I start my whole routine over again. With each of my casual outfits, I wear a black headband and a pair of arrow earrings.
One day, I left my headband at a friends house. I didn’t want to leave the house because I thought I looked like a complete weirdo without it. Everyone I saw said I looked the exact same, but to me I was a completely different person; an alien in my own skin. A similar scenario happened when I lost my silver arrow earring while swimming. I spent two hours looking for it, but couldn’t find it, so I went home devastated. I begged my parents to stop by Target on the way home, but they refused. When I awoke the next day, I put in a different pair of earrings. They were nearly identical to the other pair. The only difference was that these ones were gold instead of silver. I thought it looked like my entire face structure had changed, but no one else noticed. This instance happened three and a half months ago, and at this point, I think I look normal again, but I don’t know if that’s because I finally got used to it, or because I’ve worn them so much that the gold has faded away, revealing the metallic gray that resembles a dark silver.
At this point, I probably sound crazy. I probably am. I also wear foundation every day, and during the summer months when my skin is darker than my foundation I have to spend 15 minutes every morning contemplating whether my acne looks weirder or less weird than it will look if my face is significantly lighter than the rest of my body. This usually involves putting on make-up, deciding it does look weirder, scrubbing it off, then hating how my face looks because at this point the skin is very irritated and is a bright red. I’ll then stare at my face a bit longer, refusing to put on make-up because I’ve already used the amount for that day and don’t want to be wasteful, but my skin is so irritated I look like a have a fever. After a little bit longer, my skin has finally returned to normal, and I can walk away feeling okay with my appearance.
When I wear skinny jeans, I wear converse. When I wear boot-cut jeans, I wear boots. When I’m wearing shorts and am not working with my calf, I wear converse, and if I am, I wear boots and change into flip flops the second I get to the car after working with my calf. When I wear a dress, I wear black flats. Sometimes, I wear a locket with my outfit, but sometimes after 10 minutes of back and forth, I decide it would be overkill for the outfit. If any of these details can’t be met perfectly, I have to re-evaluate the entire outfit.
I have a problem. If any one minute detail of my appearance is off, I freak out. I had to cut my hair short because long hair was too easy to mess up, and so I would spend an hour trying to get it into the perfect ponytail just for it to be messed up an hour later. I’m doing better than that, or at least I think so, but it’s not good enough. When someone gives me a compliment on a day where no amount of primping can bring my appearance up to my expectations, it lights up my whole day. That might be the saddest part to all of that, the fact that a compliment from a friend almost three months ago is enough to make me feel comfortable with how I look on a day to day basis even now. I am addicted to meticulously primping myself for ridiculous amounts of time every morning, and I don’t think it will go away anytime soon.