It’s over. The fair is over, and the trance is fading. When it comes to county fair, we’re all in a trance. It has nothing to do with the hypnotist shows every night, though we all go to those and laugh our heads off, and everything to do with the characters we create for ourselves.
I’m not okay.
But they don’t need to know that.
I am a character I have created. They will never know that. As far as they are concerned, I am bubbly, extroverted, and am going to fix the chaos of this world. In truth, I don’t know what I’m doing. I watch this character from a distance. I created her when the old me stopped functioning. This new character has confidence I never had. She is unstoppable. That is, until the trance fades and I start glitching back in. It’s called a panic attack. My limbs start twitching, tensing up, then going numb, and she doesn’t know what’s happening. She breaks down and cries, but I don’t want to help her back up. This feeling is me. She is struggling for help, to reclaim her dignity and move on, but I just watch. Sometimes her ego gets too big and she needs to be reminded that we’re the same and she’s broken.
That’s a word that she hates. It makes her stop in her tracks. Tears well up in her eyes when she hears it.
Broken. Defected. Mistake. Sad. Wrong. But broken is the one that hurts the most.
Hypnotized people can snap in and out of a trance at the mention of a single word. I wonder who hypnotized us, because I need to tell them they didn’t do a very thorough job. There is no one word to bring that character back. It takes complements and thank yous, acknowledgements from others for her to slowly slip back into my skin. I wish we could co-exist, but that word scares her away, and it’s all I am.
When we think of the word broken, a strange situation occurs. She stops, but she doesn’t turn to run. She looks at me, with the tears just behind the surface. A question hides in those eyes:
I know that it hurts her, and I have no reason to. She’s the one who can do anything, who has world changing ideas, who’s in a relationship with the guy I love. But for some reason, my subconscious just wants to hurt her. I want to be her friend, but I can’t.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I have grown up hating myself. People have told me there was something wrong with me since I was young, and I echoed the words in my head and out loud. No one cared. They let my original self fade away. Finally, I was gone. A new character came in to help. I’m pretty sure she’s piloted by my guardian angel. Where I see nothing, she sees something. I think I’m nothing, and nothing deserves nothing, so I push her away. She sees something, so she stays
TO MAKE THE BEST BETTER.
When I tell her I’m broken, she can’t take it. She works day and night on her projects, and is the most motivated person I know. Failure is not an option. I am her main project, so when she hears that I’m broken, defective, a mistake, sad, and wrong, she falls apart. We all just want to succeed, and if either one of us is going to, I need to stop ripping myself out of the trance. I am not broken, we are not separate. I am confident, determined, and deserving of success. I am not okay, because I am better than okay. I am amazing.